Growing up. I wish it were only time I lost.

My son asked me the other day why don't the people who make documentaries help animals while they are filming. It was a random question and it caught me a bit off guard so I asked him what he was talking about. "Well if they're filming a seal being attacked by a polar bear why don't they chase the polar bear away and save the seal?"

"Because they want to film what actually happens in the wild and also they do not want to intervene with mother nature", I answered.

"But that's silly. They are in a position to help and they don't".

I am not quite sure when I lost my childlike reasoning and logic but I have clearly succumbed to adult rationalizations and worldly influences. In my case, decisions are driven by mostly subjectivity, selfishness and apathy. The guidance from my adult mind have cheated the young innocent boy that once inhabited my being. When I was a young boy I had childish thoughts like I will never drink beer, smoke cigarettes or just the innocent thought of not wanting to hurt anyone and end war in the world. There was always the hope that when I grow up I will...... That hope was usually something positive.

Years later I have gone back on every promise I made to myself as a child. I have indulged in all the evil and forbidden fruit the world has dangled at me. Unconciously there came a time in my life when I just didn't give a damn. No consideration for the values instilled in me during my adolescence and no consideration for my fear of God. I started to rationalize my actions with self-serving bias usually accompanied by selfish pursuits. A few months ago I made a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life. One I never would have made in my adolescent state. But I have gone back on so many promises to myself I feel the damage is irreparable and I now function in a wasteland. I shunned the innocent child voice in me and for my sins I grew up.